Reflections on stigma and living with suicidality

Content note: This blog includes personal experiences of suicidality and some description of negative experiences of accessing support. This blog reflects one person’s individual experience and is not intended to represent everyone’s experiences.

If you need support, Samaritans are available on 116 123 or jo@samaritans.org or you can find organisations and groups who can provide local support at hubofhope.co.uk. Further information is also available at the end of this blog.

“My self-stigma stopped and, in its place, arrived stigma often from the very people telling me “It’s OK not to be OK”.

I used to believe that it was my self-stigma and silence that was most dangerous regarding my suicidality. Then came the advent of all the “It’s OK not to be OK” campaigns and about six years ago I started sharing my suicidal thoughts more openly with the intention that some support would arrive to help me to stop feeling suicidal.

I’ve experienced suicidal thoughts for several decades and have made previous attempts to end my life. My experiences of opening up is that my self-stigma stopped and, in its place, arrived stigma often from the very people telling me “it’s OK not to be OK”. I found this to be more dangerous and damaging because at least in the past I could tell myself that I wasn’t getting support because I wasn’t asking for support.

“When I spoke out, often my hopes were destroyed by dismissive, disrespectful and stigmatising responses”

Back then I was full of self-blame, yet I had hope of potential support. When I spoke out, often my hopes were destroyed by dismissive, disrespectful and stigmatising responses. To make matters worse, I found some of the responses from mental health professionals to be the most dangerous and damaging. I think the most stigmatising response for me was when it seemed that people didn’t believe that I would act on my thoughts, even though I have made suicide attempts in the past, labelling speaking out as ‘attention seeking’.

If we are serious about reducing deaths by suicide, then I think we need to get serious about reducing the stigma around expressing suicidal thoughts. I think we need to eradicate the notion that suicidal people are choosing to have the thoughts, are attention seeking, selfish, and/or are manipulative.

“I only ever share that I’m having suicidal thoughts because I want help to stay safe”

My suicidal thoughts always feel totally real, I make plans and become very close to acting on them. My suicidal thoughts are not a lifestyle choice and I certainly don’t enjoy having them. I simply don’t understand why anybody would choose to be suicidal, or to say that they were if they weren’t. That’s not my experience and I find it incredibly stigmatising when people, especially services, dismiss how real, upsetting, and sometimes frightening it can be to have the thoughts. I only ever share that I’m having suicidal thoughts because I no longer feel I can keep myself safe and want help to stay safe.

“I don’t think it’s ok to encourage people to speak up and then discharge people to nothing”

Many workplaces have mental health first aid and encourage people to speak out, but my experience was then being signposted to lengthy waiting lists or stigmatising services, responses that have often done me more harm than good. Because I am autistic, I don’t experience psychosis and don’t have any mental illnesses, I end up being discharged to zero support as someone considered having capacity. It’s not at all helpful to be told when I’m in the middle of a suicidal crisis that I have capacity (I’d even argue as to whether I really do have capacity when I’m in crisis).

I do appreciate that the medical model might not be right for me, but instead of encouraging people to speak up and then discharging them to nothing, I think it would be more helpful for new, more appropriate services to be developed collaboratively with people with lived experience of suicidal thoughts.

“Kindness and compassion counts”

When I have had positive experiences of reaching out for help for my suicidal thoughts, it has been from kind and compassionate friends. The people in my life who are not stigmatising are my close friends. They make it clear that they don’t want me to end my life. They don’t judge me and I can have open and honest conversations with them. I also have friends who I know aren’t able to cope, if that’s the right word, when I’m having suicidal thoughts, but we’ve had upfront conversations about this, and they let me know that they are around for when I’m feeling better and that they want me to feel better. I know from personal experience how hard it can be to support somebody who’s experiencing suicidal thoughts, and I don’t expect someone (as a non-professional) to automatically be able to cope with me and help me. When I’m feeling suicidal, I don’t want to spend time with me either! I think it is the professional services that exist to help people that need to become more open to working with people who may be at risk of suicide (if I’m telling you I’m suicidal, I want your help to stay alive), and less stigmatising.

“I know that speaking up earlier would be much better, however I don’t feel as though services are set up for that because I’m not ‘in crisis’ yet”

I’ve tried asking for help too many times only to be met with detrimental stigma. People seem to blame me for having the thoughts and that I’ve somehow brought it upon myself. In fact, if I do decide to speak up, it’s only when I no longer feel as though I can cope with the suicidal thoughts on my own and am very close to carrying out a suicide plan. It is the stigma from other people and the fear of an unhelpful stigmatising response that makes me feel that I must wait as late as possible before asking for ‘professional’ help. I know that speaking up earlier would be much better, however I don’t feel as though services are set up for that because I’m ‘not in crisis’ yet, so I tend to tell my friends.

However, I worry about worrying and burdening these ’non-professional’ supporters in my life, which also lures me back to silence. However, I’m very pro having early conversations because for me it is the silence that would be the killer. A ‘bad’ conversation can be dangerous and damaging, but silence is the worst for me in terms of my suicide risk, so I very much do encourage speaking up. Although I haven’t had much success with services, I have had some more recently, and additionally speaking up has helped me to be able to discover and more proactively seek and try several self-help supports which do help me.

“Eliminating my self-stigma has hugely helped me.”

Preventing my suicide is not a simple and prescriptive solution, but I do know that eliminating my self-stigma has hugely helped me. This only happened through positive and supportive reactions from friends when I did disclose to them, but even some of those friends are no longer in my life because they couldn’t cope with my suicidality. I use lots of positive self-help strategies and have a small number of people who I can tell when I’m having suicidal thoughts. Having survived many previous stigmatising experiences by others, I’ve done a lot of self-work and I’ve changed my attitude towards getting support. I have become much more open minded to trying a huge variety of support and am willing to re-try things that haven’t worked in the past, as my circumstances change.

I’ve also adjusted over time how I interact with services and, within the past year, I’ve had positive experiences with the mental health practitioner at my GP surgery and with a private therapist with whom I’m able to be honest when I’m experiencing suicidal thoughts.  She doesn’t go into ‘panic and safeguarding mode’. She knows I’m telling her because sharing my thoughts makes me not want to act on them and is a positive thing. 

Ultimately suicide prevention is incredibly complex and what works for me may not work for someone else. I believe that sensitive, open and honest conversations with people like me who have experienced suicidality is key to helping reduce suicide and enabling effective services to be developed. Thank you for reading my blog and for your interest in suicide prevention.

You can hear more about Emma’s experience in our webinar on suicide and stigma which Emma took part in.

If you need support the following organisations are available to help

• Samaritans : call 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org
• CALM: 0800 585858, they also have a live chat and what’sapp option
• PAPYRUS: HOPELINE 247 is available to young people: 0800 068 4141 or email pat@papyrus-uk.org or text 88247
• Shout: text ‘SHOUT’ to 85258 – available 24/7
• To find local support in your area visit www.hubofhope.co.uk